Childhood
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A "better" time
Take a moment to look around, wherever you might be. Is there anything that reminds
you of your childhood nearby? Perhaps a photo of you as a kid, an item from the
past or a memory floating around. Do you think those are from a "better" time?
I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, if my childhood was a better time
that is. All of this thought began after I saw a video depicting a “simpler” time,
a video depicting some of my favourite childhood shows, games and general memories.
I’ve heard people talk about how they wish they were still a kid cause “it was
so much better back then”, no idea about the world, just playing and having fun.
I have never felt that way though. Whenever I thought about my childhood all I
could see was me crying at school, me getting bullied, my parents fighting,
nothing brought me nostalgia from that time. Even now, now that I am trying so
hard to remember something positive, I really can’t. Was my childhood just that bad?
I wasn’t neglected by my parents, my mom would always do her best to be there
for my brother and I, even at her worst. And my dad, well my dad did his best I
guess. I can’t understand why my childhood, at least in my eyes, was so terrible.
Was it the bullying? Constantly being bullied at school for my weight? Maybe it
was my lack of social skills and friends. It doesn’t make sense, that wouldn’t
make it terrible, it would just be a bad memory, right? Why can’t I remember that
“better” time? Does it even exist? Why is everything negative for me, why can’t
I think positively?
I got it, I found something positive. George, when I first got him, he was small
back then, I miss him. My godmother brought him after the end of my birthday party,
I don’t remember my age, probably around 6 or 7 years old. I guess that’s something,
right? It’s only one thing though, I can’t remember anything else.
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The past, the present, the ******
And now? Now what. I have great friends, I am not alone like the past. I can
think of some good memories from this year, I would say plenty actually. Maybe
for me I don’t miss my childhood, maybe now is the time I miss. I’m not sure,
I still feel something is missing, something that I can’t figure out. I feel
a void in my heart, like something is supposed to be there but it's not.
Where are you? I sometimes look at myself in the mirror and see that same
little kid I was all those years ago, like nothing changed. Something has changed
though.
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*insert famous movie title here*
A friend of mine once asked me a question: "If you could, would you wanna know
when you die?"
Death doesn't scare me, the fact that I might be gone in a few years has become
a given for me. Knowing my death date wouldn't change anything, it would be just
a fun little party trick I guess. A pretty fucked up party trick but still fun.
People tend to try and do everything they always wanted to after they find out
their death date. Why do people do that? If you really wanted to do something
why didn't you just do it? It took you your whole life (literally) to go and do it,
why? Even if you have work, even if you have no time you can find time to do it,
you will find time if you really want to.
We can't predict the future and I think it's better that way, we need some suprises
in our lives. When the future does come we will handle it, no need to be afraid.
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The most beautiful end
I don't care about my past or my future, all that matters is now, not tomorrow,
not yesterday, nothing. I don't want to spend all my life reminiscing about my
childhood or worrying about my future, I wanna live life and enjoy it as it is now.
And in my final moments, as everything I've done flashes before my eyes, I will
see everyting I've acomplished, all that I've done, I'll see you and I'll finally
feel happy.